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Thursday, July 31st, 2014
6:59 pm
cc_lamp "Bitch's bastard's whore" Just think about it for a sec. -Sung by Shane MacGowan in his song by The Pogues, 'Boys From the County Hell'.

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Monday, March 9th, 2009
10:07 am

If Disney made a movie about you, they'd call it 'Dumbitch'.

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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
8:19 pm

  •  "When you go to the mind-reader, do you get half price?" David Letterman
  • "He's so stupid he can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight" read in Stephen King's Christine
  • "... I'd much rather have a debate, but you see, there's no honor fighting an unarmed oponent."
  •  "To sink lower you'd have to dig with heavy machinery. Or explosives." .
  • "Wow, that must've been a long fall!" - talking about a girl's ancestor climbing down the tree.

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Monday, December 8th, 2008
12:25 am - Oldies, But Goodies

From a children's book:
- You're an old ugh.

From a song
-May the bird of paradise fly up your nose
-May an elephant caress you with his toes
-May you/your wife be plagued with runners in your hose

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Saturday, September 6th, 2008
1:20 pm - Bris

"He should rename himself Richard Cranium. When he does, I'll take him to a mohel to celebrate over a bris."

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Friday, July 11th, 2008
8:25 pm - said about those who deserved it...

- he couldn't make a friend if he milked a bull.

- were i to find him in the wild being torn apart alive by rabid dogs, i'd merrily sell popcorn.

- i'd love to give you the thorough beating you so rightfully deserve, but i also know what a pain it is to try to wash off that sort smell.

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Saturday, May 10th, 2008
9:52 pm

- You are the ignoble, ignorant, illiterate, incestuous, illegitimate progeny of parents who belong to the phyla insecta.

- You are a sleezy, slimy, sticky, stinky, scum bucket full of maggot vomit and horse poo.

- I've known sponges with more intelligence than you.

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Sunday, April 27th, 2008
4:13 pm

Ah yes, creative insults--but mine are going to come with a twist here: most of these are video game-related in some way. Except the last three.

To insult stupidity:
"If life were a Mario game, your stupidity would have already cost you all your lives on the first goomba of the first level."
 -- Taken from the fact that all you have to do is jump on the goomba's head.  And someone who's too stupid to do that--yeah.  Dead.  I've used this against my older brother quite a few times.

To insult that annoying pervert that won't leave you alone:
"Not even Daryan Crescend's phallic-shaped hair would rape you."
-- I believe this requires a picture, as a non-Apollo Justice player might not get the joke without it.

To insult that sanctimonious son of a bitch you hate:

"Your head is so fucking far up your asshole that you've met The Great Mighty Poo."
-- If you've ever played Conker's Bad Fur Day, you'll get it, if not, here's the condensed version: The Great Mighty Poo is a pile of shit.  No. Seriously.  He even flings shit at you.

To insult a fellow gamer that seems to be aboard the HMS Failboat:

MGS-style: "Even if you took care of your box, your box wouldn't be ENOUGH to take care of you."
 -- Implies that they suck. Badly.

KOF '03-style: "We're so unevenly matched that it's like taking Shingo Yabuki against Duo Lon!"
-- Shingo is the KOF character I'd vote to be "the Dan of KOF" [which means that he's so pathetically weak, he reminds me of Dan from Street Fighter].  KOF '03-version Duo Lon was too powerful for his own good--he could even beat a boss with a severe case of SNK-boss syndrome.  And that's saying something.  Most horrific slaughter in KOF-gaming.  Bar none.  Not even Shingo vs. Orochi [which I've done on an emulated version of KOF '97], Shingo vs. Adelheid [second-most horrific slaughter in KOF '03], or even Shingo vs. Magaki from KOF XI could compare.  And those are pretty horrific, coming from the voice of experience.

Mortal Kombat-style: "My nephew would win. FLAWLESS VICTORY."
-- They lose.  They lose without getting a HIT in.  They suck so bad that even my six year old nephew who just mashes buttons would beat them without them getting a hit in.

Gungrave-style: Looks like you're about to put Grave into his namesake.
 -- Lawlz.  Putting Grave into a grave. 

To insult that spineless wimp you hate:

"You're so spineless you're an invertebrate!"
-- This coming from a biology major.  If you don't know what an invertebrate is, here's the condensed version: they lack internal skeletons, and therefore have no spinal column.

To insult your fuckwit sibling:
You: Must have been a fun crawl.
Sibling: From where?
You: From the dumpster you were dumped in when you were born.

-- Admittedly quite cruel, but I can get that way when I'm in a bad enough mood.

To insult how much someone fails at life:
"Not only have you boarded the HMS Failboat, you've already set sail and are in the middle of the Fail Sea."
-- Self-explanitory.

current mood: Snarky-bitch-level cranky

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
11:26 pm - They've been used on me.

Person A: "You read my mind!"

Person B: "It was a short story anyway."


Person A: *talking to self*

Person B: "Why are you talking to yourself?"

Person A: "Just addressing the most intelligent person in the room, is all."

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Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
10:43 pm - My first post here...

...and it should be a good one.

A friend of mine, formerly a lawyer, turned in his law certification about three seconds ahead of being disbarred. A few weeks later, when I finally heard the story (I was rather difficult to get ahold of at that time and he was next-to-impossible), I told him:

"Congratulations! You've graduated from bottom-feeder to cocksucker!"

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Thursday, February 7th, 2008
9:29 pm

So someone asks, "Mind if I smoke?"

You respond, "I don't care if you burst into flames!"

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Monday, January 7th, 2008
8:55 am - U.F.Off

"I love the feeling of relief I get when you leave."

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Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
2:12 pm

You're so dumb that you thought that before the fall of the Berlin Wall, Jermaine Jackson was divided into East and West Jermaine.

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Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
12:43 pm - Outsight

Picked this one up from someone else, to be used when someone has offered advice that's so drop-dead obvious as to be useless:

"This advice is like reminding us not to hold forks by their pointy ends, which rather go into the food."

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Thursday, September 27th, 2007
2:36 pm

I really enjoy coming up with unusual combinations of words to use as insults, exclamations, and the like. Sometimes they're just strange, but every now and then my brain randomly throws out a gem. Like ...

Fire-assed twatbird
Why you useless ass-sprouting cock-devouring Spanish fly-gathering whorecorpse!
Mouldering reel of shitstring
Fuckwallop (this is ridiculously fun to shout, almost moreso than 'crapples'.)
'What the Kentucky french-fried Hell/fuck' is another thing I say frequently.

Invective is an art form that is largely dying off. Glad to know I'm not the only one who enjoys it. ^^

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Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
4:26 pm

"Why don't you go slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma."

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Friday, June 8th, 2007
8:04 am

I'd like to buy you a drink. It's called a Mickey Finn.

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Thursday, June 7th, 2007
3:22 am

When God made you, He broke the mold - mainly because He ran out of lose and fail.

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7:03 pm - From a colleague, in reference to a parent

She doesn't have issues, she has the whole subscription.

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Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
1:51 pm

Unfortunately, I have a rare auditory disorder that keeps me from hearing people who have an IQ below their shoe size.

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